32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
