shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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