You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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