Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
