I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I need moral support for this bender
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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