Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
please come you make the beer taste better
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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