I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
