I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
