Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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