Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
