I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
