Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
