My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
