and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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