I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
