I wanna bring you to show and tell
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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