There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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