I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
