So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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