on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
