There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
