My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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