i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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