John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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