Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
