At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
and you fell through a lawn chair
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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