And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
