all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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