My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
