Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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