Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
