There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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