It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This baby is an asshole
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
