You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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