Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
