I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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