i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
