Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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