I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
