There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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