True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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