Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
