Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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