my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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