I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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