he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
