My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
