hotel room ftw
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
