How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
