Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
