Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize