you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
