Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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