Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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