I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
