I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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