took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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