He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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